This AND That

Years ago I heard on a podcast that when we use the conjunction ‘but,’ we’re completely dismissing the first part of the sentence. “I’d like to do that, but _____.” …Do you actually want to do that? “I believe you, but ____.” …Do you actually believe them? 

At first I wasn’t sure I agreed. Then I started paying attention to how often (and the contexts) in which I was using ‘but’ and realized I didn’t like what I was saying. The connotation almost always made me feel bad about whatever I was stating. So I made a small shift; I started using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ (when it made sense to do so!). I know this sounds so nerdy … and it is. Check this out: “I’d like to do that, AND I don’t have the capacity to add it to my schedule.” “I believe you, AND I’m having a hard time trusting that you say what you mean.” 

‘And’ allows us to state two true things that might conflict with each other. That’s okay; two things can be true at the same time! It’s a beautiful paradox of life. ‘But’ tends to dismiss someone or something, when that’s never really our intention.

In a recent coaching conversation, I noticed when I modeled this change and empowered the person in front of me to use ‘and’ in their leadership context, they felt a new freedom to have clarifying conversations, state hard things with truth and love, and create a mindset shift for themselves and their teams. SMALL TOOLS MAKE BIG DIFFERENCES! 

Parents – I use this ALL THE TIME with my toddler. It sounds like this: “Pax, I understand you want a candy bar AND we aren’t eating one before bed.” BOOM. Both things are true! (Maybe someday he’ll need less therapy because Mom embraced the difference in conjunctions!)

So here’s a challenge – notice how many times you use the coordinating conjunction ‘but’ and ask yourself if ‘and’ actually makes more sense and loves the person or situation a tad bit better.